I don’t always think ahead as much as I ought to. One of my father’s greatest laments as I was growing up. I can still see the sadness in his eyes as he looked at me after one of my fiascos and asked, “Don’t you ever think first?” At the time I didn’t have the words to respond, devastated that I’d disappointed my father, again. I still don’t have all the words. But one things I’d say is, “Yes. I do.” I do think first – but somehow I just never think of what actually ends up happening.

Sometimes I think too much. That’s when it becomes full blown worry and it often stops me from moving at all. Which I think can be worse than moving forward unprepared.

I like to supper eat downstairs. On the couch. Facing the fireplace. Which just happens to be under the tv. Unfortunately, my kitchen is upstairs. So I have to fix my food and then carry my plate and drink down the stairs. I don’t know about you, but I’m finding that my ability to multitask gets much harder as I get older.

One of the games I play with myself as I walk slowly down the stairs is ‘What would it cost?’ I measure the worth of the meal in my hand and the cost of spilling it on the way down the stairs. Is it something that I’ve been looking forward to eating all day? That’s a high cost. Is it something that is immediately replaceable from a bowl in the fridge? That’s a low cost. The higher the value, the slower I descend the stairs.

I’ve only actually fallen once. Quite a head-first-tumble that landed me in the emergency room for x-rays of a possible c2 fracture. [Fortunately, it turned out that the fracture was old and healed – which did raise some interesting questions. When exactly did I break my neck? And how did I not notice?] But at the time I had been carrying the last piece of chocolate cake. A very high cost indeed.

I’m just so grateful that Jesus didn’t count the cost when he climbed up onto that cross. He gave up so much that day. He picked up my sins and messes and his Father turned His back. That had to have hurt more than the whips and thorns. And then I get the tingles as I realize that he had counted the cost that day. He did think first, and he knew exactly what was coming. He crawled up onto that cross because of how much he was looking forward to spending eternity with me in Heaven. And because of how irreplaceable, unique, and loved I am. He counted the cost and decided I was worth it.

And again, I don’t have the words…

But I bask in the almost-understanding and I cling to the promise. I am loved beyond all I can understand.