I came across an old photo the other day.

It's from high school. My class is standing on stage singing a song with some other students and staff around us. My hair was clipped up on one side, and you can see the hair growing back in where I had shaved it around my ear. But what's interesting in the picture is the face the staff member beside me is making. Apparently, it was the first time she'd noticed that I had shaved part of my head. We were at a Christian boarding school where that kind of thing was NOT DONE.

I remember one adult asking me what my father would think if he saw it. Funny thing is, my father's the one who shaved it.

I didn't leave it shaved for long – it was just a spurt of rebellion and an attempt to control one small piece of my chaotic life. We were on deputation in the states at the time, living out of suitcases, staying in an empty college dorm for a couple of days. I had the razor and knew what I wanted to do but didn't have the dexterity to do it. So I handed dad the razor and asked him to. He did a great job with it. When I left my hair down, you couldn't even tell. That's probably why I didn't get in trouble when I got back to school. Then I just let it grow back in, putting my hair up on that side now and then.

My dad shaved my head again after I was diagnosed with cancer. It had started to fall out from chemo and I wanted to be in control of the whole going-bald process. So we put a stool in the middle of the kitchen and Dad took the razor and shaved my head. Then he sat down and shaved his own.

As humans, I think we all want that feeling of being in control of something.

Life has felt so out of control this year. The quarantining. The masks. Stores and restaurants closing. Schools opening. The fear of getting and spreading COVID to loved ones.

Sometimes it's hard to sit back and trust that God's got this.

I want to start grabbing at the pieces and trying to shove them together myself. I'm trying to control little bits of my life, pushing myself to meet all of the deadlines I've set for myself. When I pop a puzzle piece into the spot I want it, I feel better for a moment – until I look up and see all of the other pieces scattered throughout my life.

I can't control it all.

But God can. And He has such a good track record.

When I received my cancer diagnosis and stared in shock at the shattered pieces of my life falling down around me I feared there was no way they'd all fit back together again. Shaving my head popped in one piece. But there were so many more.

Now, thirteen years later, I can look back at the beautiful mosaic God made of my life during that journey.

And I can trust that He's doing the same now.

When we get to the other side of this COVID adventure, I can't wait to look back on these days and see what God has done. It's going to be amazing!