Stella’s sleeping.

She’s lying in the library between a bookshelf and the rocking chair, with her head down on the carpet and a paw draped over her eyes. And she’s sleeping.

It’s been a while since I saw her asleep.

It’s been a while since she laid her head down and relaxed.

About five weeks ago, I looked at her and suddenly realized that she looked old. She seemed thin and wobbled a little when she walked across the ledge in front of the tv. So I scheduled an appointment with her vet and we stuck her (kicking and caterwauling) into her carrier and went for a ride. The vet knew something was wrong – by this time she had developed lesions all over her face and her weight loss was dramatic. We just didn’t know what. She ran a couple of tests that all came back negative, and we decided to try a round of antibiotics and prednisone.

The lesions cleared up almost immediately, and her appetite improved. But as soon as she finished the first round of antibiotics, the lesions came back all over body. The vet ran a couple of new tests, but again it all came back negative. However, we knew something was wrong and we knew it was very likely something big.

We put her back on the antibiotics for another two weeks. Twice a day I’d scoop her up in a towel to hold her flaying limbs while mom gave her a couple of licks of cream before slipping a pill down her throat. We got better at getting the pill down her mouth on the first try, but she hasn’t really improved her score on the graceful dismount when I try to set her back down.

She next developed the sniffles, which soon became a sneezy, drippy, runny-nosed cold, so we put her back on the steroids.

When the meds ran out last week, we went in for another visit with the vet. By this time, we could clearly see what that “something big” was. Her stomach was bloating, and she had a mass on her liver. My little diva has liver cancer.

“Now we know,” said the vet, with tears in her eyes.

And I brought her home to love on her. She gets a prednisone a day – they’ll suppress the side effects of the cancer for a bit.

For the first time in her life, my precious diva who’s had almost as many homes as I have, has carte blanche to eat anything she wants. I made her buffets of tempting tidbits and fed her every time she raced me to the kitchen. When I got home from work, I visited her in the library and rubbed her scabbed, furry head. On warm afternoons, I opened the balcony door and let her sit in the fresh air and the sunshine. I think she’s happy. But she’s also been restless. She’s hungry, but having trouble eating. Now she’s down to mostly just licking up tuna juice and sauces. Yesterday she started having trouble holding anything down and we weren’t able to give her the steroid. It’s almost time to let her go…

Letting go can be so terrifyingly difficult, can’t it?

Our furry friends are family members. Loving, kind, loyal critters who keep you company in your darkest moments when you don’t want anyone around but don’t want to be alone. Who lower your blood pressure and run to meet you when you come home. I miss that. I’ll miss her.

I know there will be animals in Heaven. I’m praying that my Stella Belle will be one of them. I’m grateful that my Abba is in control.